Stifling the flame

*sigh* I've been contemplating a lot recently whether I should continue updating this journal, whether I should continue to look into therian communities, etc. I guess thats why I've been away for so long. I've been just very unsure as to where I stand and where I should be...I just don't know.

Parts of me feel so very therian, and there's so much I can relate to with therians, but I haven't found anything that fits and I'm not sure I even have any animalistic traits anyway. In fact, its probably more likely that I don't. I've been thinking about that a lot but mostly just getting on with my life, school, etc.

My family has been getting on my nerves. (that's new, *rolls eyes*) but other than that I suppose I've been okay.

And...that's it I guess. *shrug* I still am in kind of this awkward stage. I apologize for not updating more, all this stuff got in my way.

Okay, so my journal is public now. There are a handful of smaller entries which are still friends-only, but that's just because I'm too lazy to go through and change the security settings on every single one. All the important stuff is public.

If you're someone that doesn't really have the traits of an animal but relates to animals better than people, feels a strong connection with animals, what do you call that? Just an animal-lover I suppose. I think what made me questioning whether I was therian so hard was that I have a lot of the characteristics a lot of therians have. I grew up pretending to be various animals from an extremely young age, I've always preferred animals over people, I feel the same sense of being out of place as many therians do but what I realize is you can be all of that and it does not make you therian. And I think I realized it before, but I just kept searching. Because I guess I wanted there to be that thing that made me therian, because being someone that relates so much to animals the idea of being therian would just make it all the more clear as to why I was feeling the things I'm feeling.

I’m probably going about this too fast, but I feel stupid. Because reading over my last post, most of what I wrote about really does sound very human. Akhila’s post simply made me step back and re-read what I had said, and realize the absurdity of my thoughts. Which I believe seem like overly-idealistic thoughts of someone who has never quite felt right about who they are, now that I think about it. It is very hard sometimes to step out of yourself and look at things from a strictly objective point of view. I've made this mistake before, it is not new. Again, I know this seems fast, but I feel quite foolish.

I think there is a part of me that has always wished that I was animal and felt very close to them. My mom talks about how even at like, 3 months I chose animal toys over things like dolls and things related to humans, and I guess somehow I thought maybe it was an indicator of something.

I’ve always felt so out-of-place in normal human society and I don’t know, its probably just a normal teenage thing not feeling like you fit anywhere, or maybe I just have issues. Maybe I’ve secretly wanted to believe I was therian so badly that I created a scenario for myself. Maybe wolf seemed to fit best because socially I think wolf is the easiest animal for humans to relate to. Maybe I was drawn to the idea of therianthropy for the wrong reasons. It frustrates me, but I think my mind, as imaginative as it is has been giving me delusions. I think another part of me found such a group of people that I admired amongst the therian community that I felt the need to mold myself to fit. But that’s no way to live.

I’m going to make my journal public so that maybe I can be an example for those like me. Maybe I can help people learn more about themselves, and through my experiences help themselves to discern whether or not what they feel is truly therian, or just wishful thinking. Maybe part of the reason for my struggle with this was because it never was and never was meant to be.

I feel like such a cliche. The stereotypical teenager that doesn't fit anywhere, loves animals and starts thinking they are one and starts claiming to be therian. Ironic since those people tend to drive me insane. I had thought I was more mature. My will/imagination go the best of me, I think.

I don’t really know what I’ll do now. Return to my normal journal, I suppose. Though I daresay it’s a lot less thoughtful and a lot more annoying than this one. Whatever happens, I won’t forget what I’ve learned on account of the therian community and on account of my own experiences through trial and error regarding questioning whether I myself was therian.

Edit: On second thought, I think I will continue with this journal for awhile. There are some things that I think have yet to be wrapped up, and some closing thoughts I would like to include. I am not sure of how long I will stay on this journal...I suppose however long I need to to finish up what I have to say on the subject.

Its been a long time.

So, what have I been doing?

Well... around February-ish I was nearly convinced that there was no possible way that I was therian. In fact, I started thinking the whole idea seemed impossible. I was pretty sure that I would never return to the therian community ever again. I was ashamed of myself for ever even tossing around the idea that I was therian. I wanted to distance myself from all of it and forget I had ever thought such crazy ideas. I pondered with the idea of making this journal inactive to completely seal the deal. But there has been throughout my life this feeling I cannot shake of being tied to an animal. Tied to an animal so completely that without it I am not whole, and I can't exist, because it is me and something stopped me. So instead I took a break...sort of. I went on with my life and tried to be as human as I could be. I wanted to forget everything about therianthropy for a good while. I didn't want to be plagued with confusing thoughts of shifts and classifications of different types of therianthropy. I didn't want to have to find out what theriotype I was. I didn't want to try and "discover" anything about myself. I just wanted to get away. I was so tired of the research of various animals and the incongruency I felt with all of them that I had taken the time to learn about in-depth.

Then I started to see things, piece by piece, until it became a picture I couldn't ignore anymore. There are certain experiences which indicate depending upon how you respond a lot about your personality, things like how you react when meeting new people, how you act around close friends, around strangers, around people you find suspicious, around authority figures, around children, how you go about asking for help, etc. Maybe I had dismissed this possibility before because of how common it is, maybe I found something about them to cliche, maybe the way other people wrote about them didn't fit my own ideas, I don't know, but the picture revealed something definitively canine. My first thought was dog, my second thought was wolf, I'm inclined to susepct that it's a combination of the two, a wolf-dog cross.

I am a very easy-going and passive sort of person. I do a lot of observation of people, as though scanning for those who I may be able to trust. Upon meeting new people I am wary, cautious, reserved, sometimes defensive and occasionally even snappish. Inside I can feel myself bowing my head to reveal to them I am no threat. I do not desire confrontations. Amongst those who are extremely close to me I have a very everlasting sense of trust for and do not fight with such people easily. My personality takes on quite a different shape amongst these people. I become extroverted and playful and willing, I become very open and very unafraid. These people are my back up, my defense and I am theirs. I challenge these people and I challenge myself amongst them. Wolf, in my mind is about balance. Balance in ranking, balance between aggression and submission, balance between trust and wariness, a certain terrible horror and at the same time exhilaration at a challenge for rank. Wolf is not fussy, wolf does not demand perfection but she does demand the job get done. Wolf respects differences and learns play to similarities and common goals to avoid confrontation. Wolf dislikes those who do not pull their weight. Wolf desires the company of other wolves because its what works, because it is necessary, and wolves respect those who do what is necessary even when it means putting aside certain differences. Wolf becomes attached to those she knows because she knows them. A depth of familiarity is essential to working most efficiently. It is what makes wolf packs run the way they do. A wolf is constantly aware of where she stands and where everyone else stands, what are her strengths and her weaknesses as well as the strengths and weaknesses of all she knows. She observes. The more she can learn about those she trusts, the easier it will be to function as a group. Wolf is fearless and terrified at the same time and it is the combination of these which makes her exuberant. Wolf is vibrant.

I would say though, that for me personally I suspect dog to play a part in my theriotype on a variety of different grounds: one being that I do not have nearly the prey drive that I believe wolves do, and two being that I feel like I would be more likely to guard livestock than kill it, similar to a sheepdog, though I don't doubt that I certainly do feel a kind of prey-drive. Thirdly I feel that my sense of hierarchy and rank while apparent is looser than that of wolves, the way that dogs tend to be. Also while again, it is still apparent, I feel like I am a lot less inclined to challenge the rank of another person than even the most subordinate wolf. Even so, I'm still not sure about the idea of Dog, though I feel pretty confident about the Wolf.

mmhmm.

Several weeks ago I remember coming home and curling up on my bed near the window, and something felt very right. Though in body I was and still am very much human, at that time it felt as though I had my paws tucked beneath my chest, and my head curled round my body, my ears (I very distinctly remember the eass) resting peacefully against my skull, my tail laid round my hindlegs. It was a very vivid, very peaceful sort of feeling and I remember sleepily listening to the birds outside and the rush of the wind past the window, and it felt very, very natural.


Yea. I feel very good. Mostly.

Oh, also, I think I'm going to try and stay away from therian communities for the most part. I feel much more comfortable just expressing my therianthropy the way it is for me, the way I feel it to be that way I don't have to worry about the labels and such, and I can just talk about it. I've found that the livejournal therian communities tend to be bit more conducive (for the most part) to this kind of discussion and sharing of experiences and feelings rather than frivolous other stuff.

Today was kind of disappointing because I was expecting a lot from some of my new semester classes. My Psycology teacher for example, is a really cool guy, but my class is horrible. I feel like I'm surrounded by imbeciles. This is why I tend to dislike the normal level classes because you get a lot of slackers and a lot of really generally stupid people and I hate feeling like I'm the only one in the class with more than just a juvenile, adolescent vocabularly. I hate feeling like I'm the only one with an urge to participate.

Same goes for my other two classes, Science Fiction and Fantasy and Media Literacy. Well, except my teachers in those classes are known to be either A: no knowledge of what the hell they're talking about or B: one of those bitchy anal teachers that likes to think they know how to control kids.

*sigh*

Today is one of the reasons I signed up for AP English and AP European History next year even though I know its going to be hard for me, because I can't stand the immaturity of some of the people in my school, and while some of the more intellectual kids can be just as immature, at least I won't be the only one actually participating. We got our Senior year class sign up forms today as well as schpeel from one of the guidance counselors about taking the ACTs/SATs and signing up for "Junior Planning Sessions" with your guidance counselor sometime soon to talk about college/future plans etc.

As for me, right know I'm really fascinated by Anthropology, and since its the only thing I really seem to have a keen interest on, I'm thinking thats probably what I'll end up going to college for. I love studying human culture and traditions, its really interesting, especially ancient cultures.

Boring entry, I know. Bleh.

My good friend, Maria, while she's a great person can be super clingy.

I really dislike being out the entire weekend, especially with generally the same people. I'm tired and I want to stay home, and I've been out too much, yet here I am going to a hockey game. I don't even like hockey.

Rawr.

I am, for the first time, actually looking forward to Monday because it means that I can actually have time to myself after school. Also, the first day of my second semester classes starts Monday.

No, I haven't completely vanished off the face of the Earth. I'm still here.

So, here I am, musing over a bowl of popcorn in an attempt to retrace and record, as well as explain my journey as a therianthrope.

A therianthrope: A person who identifies with an animal so strongly that they feel that they are that animal.

When I first stumbled across that word on the internet 2ish years ago I was both shocked and excited. To the point where I spent the next week doing little else but trying to find out more.

I will not hesitate to say that despite all the warnings and all the essays I had read (many were actually from quite well-respected websites as well) I jumped into the therian community far to soon. Extreme emphasis on far.

In the beginning I quickly assumed my theriotype was Cat. All throughout my childhood my best friend and I had pretended to be cats, thought we were cats. It fit what everybody else was saying, didn't it? So I must be a cat person, right? Yup, that settled it, I was a cat therian. Nevermind that two weeks later I was an Eagle person instead. *rolls eyes*

I see this kind of thing not only in my own past but all throughout the therian community in general. It is so incredibly easy to gravitate towards animals that you like. Even a very well-meaning person can quite easily start to mistake animals they like with an animal(s) they are. (Not to say that you can't like your theriotype, but I know I've confused the two.) This has been my downfall so many times.

Even with Bobcat, an animal that for a while I thought was it, was my theriotype. The problem was that while researching Bobcats and comparing their traits to with my own I was skipping quite a crucial part of the process: comparing. Though I didn't realize it at the time, I was finding attributes of the cat that I liked and therefore assuming that because I liked them they were also attributes I shared.

The nature of the feline is so very self-aware. These are animals which are acutely knowledgable about their limitations and their abilities. They were born to be, and are efficient, solitary hunters, constantly aware of themselves and their effect on the world around them, as well as the strategies necessary to survive.

It was only when I came to realize that things we like or admire are nearly never in conjunction with they way we actually are. I truly needed a great dose of common sense on this one. It can be so easy to rush through things just so you can say that you are something, slap a label on and be done with it. Even when I created this journal and thought that I had learned better, I am now painfully aware of how much I had still needed to learn, how much I still need to learn now.

When I started looking into Hare is when I think I started to realize I was going about my search the wrong way. Thats when I started to realize the blatant incongruency between myself and the so many of the animals I had once thought were my theriotype.

I began looking at my personality more; what made me, me. What made me different. I started trying to record the way I thought and what kinds of thoughts made me peform a certain way, react a certain way, behave a certain way in various situations.

I know that I have a very respectful and rather submissive way of approaching or talking with strangers as well as authority figures. I avert my eyes, and put my head down, I try and be sure that I am not offending and that my words were not taken in an incorrect way. It is near impossible for me to ever become good friends with an adult or authority figure that I have not known since a young age. No matter how friendly they are I will always see them as being distant, intimidating. I will always have a very shy and cautious nature around them. It's just the way I am. If I have known someone for a long time, be it an adult of someone my own age then I tend to be quite affectionate. Very affectionate, really. I enjoy spending time with those people, occasionally, though I do not consider myself a very social person.

It takes me a long time to trust. While I won't act as shyly around people my own age as adults, I still tend to put up a front, I distance myself, it's uncomfortable, I'm very, very wary and watchful of the person, I act defensively.

In addition, I've always not been one to complain about more than a few silly frivolous things. I tend to approach life in a way that is very: If something doesn't turn out exactly the way you want you suck it up and deal with it and move on. I know some people that will just not have this kind of thing. They're the people who beg teachers for a better grade than what they were given, they're the people who must have things planned to their specifications. I'm incredibly open, I compromise wherever possible and generally really really dislike arguments. I cannot think of one time I've ever gotten in a fight with anyone besides my family. Ever.

I'm an oppurtunist. I'll eat whatever you put in front of me, I'll take whatever I can get, I'll always find a way to make something useful. In this way, it's easy for me to be creative, there are connections between things others might not get that seem perfectly logical to me.

I value my safety nets. If I had my way I'd probably rather sleep in a closet or somewhere tight and hidden. I wouldn't object to sleeping in a den, if it was big enough. I like to have someone or something supporting me, watching my back, yet at the same time, I dream of independence.

So, yea, that's what I've been thinking about.

Bleh, so right now I don't know again. I don't even know if I'm therian at this point. But I won't venture to try and go into the question of theriotypes any further for right now. I'd like to think that I've learned my lesson.

Oh, and a belated Happy Birthday! to Akhila I wish I had known earlier!

I spent the majority of today flopping around, sprawled out on my bed, laying in various sun-filled corners of my house (one of those happens to be my room, which is nice) and generally despising high school and being quite pessimistic. =/ I think the only somewhat productive thing that I did today was attempting to play my flute which I'm trying to re-learn after 4ish years of not playing it.

Blarrgh.

I have a kind of love-hate relationship with snowy, cold weather. Part of me really enjoys it, part of me really likes the chill and the way the iciness of it feels when you stand outside, it's invigorating. Part of me hates it soooo much that I want to curl up in a ball until it's over with or move somewhere with a dry, warm climate.

My mom keeps getting on me to figure out what I want to do with my life. It's too bad there isn't some kind of all-powerful oracle you can consult for such things, it would make life a lot easier. =P

Second semester is coming up, bringing mid-terms, Winter ball (which I refuse to attend this year), a loss of Julia, who is going to Washington D.C. to be a page at the White House for one of our senators, and the end of gym class (I will have finally finished all of my gym credits). I just hope second semester rolls along as fast as the first one has, because junior year has been a bit of a bore, as well as painfully social. I haven't been enjoying the drama.

Edit: Sorry for the random, schizophrenic nature of this entry. I was kind of bouncing from topic to topic which reads...kind of oddly.

You know sometimes I have had the thought that I was transgender, but really, I'm not. I don't feel like I should be male but at the same time, I don't feel like I should be female. In my mind I don't really consider myself female, but don't consider myself male either. I'm just...me.

I guess I'm just androgynous is all, but I don't particularly like how seperated genders are.. like why do there have to be two pronouns: he and she. Why not just one that applies to everybody. Or at least, I feel like I need a pronoun that is neutral. Because when I think about it I'd feel more comfortable being called a he. I'd rather be called a boy than a girl. There's something about the connotations the words like "she" and "girl" bring up that I find kind of...unfitting for me. But then, I guess I'd prefer if the pronoun "she" didn't exist and it was just "he", period, end of story. But I'm not transgendered. And I'm not bisexual. I just like being able to act male or act female or do female things or do male things, etc. Only I don't really seperate the two and don't really consider them to be male things, or female things. Just things.

I don't know. This is just one of those issues that I haven't thought a whole lot about and now that I have it's kind of overwhelming.

So, in an attempt to keep my professional/school-related e-mails seperate from my personal-ish e-mails I've created a new e-mail: windcurl@gmail.com that, from this point on should be used for all personal-type things.

My old e-mail address: katelynrt@gmail.com is getting clogged with a lot of things which are getting mushed in with all of my school stuff and I think it would be simpler if I just completely separated the two.

Will make a post at some point, tommorow or later or whenever I get things sorted out regarding the last entry and the possibility of a hare theriotype. More speculation and added realizations, etc.

Edit: I should revise my bio/intro post at some point. Ahhh busy holiday-ness is getting me all insane. I have to print out all of these cards I've made and generally just have a lot to do.

Am feeling a little bit better today. When I wrote my last entry I was just so...well, if it could be personified in a word it would probably be something like: waagghhmmfffphhaahhhyarrgh.

Am going through the proverbial coming-of-age, figure out who you are kind of stage. And have been for a few years now...therianthropy has kind of been part of that.

My brain has been having arguments amongst itself throughout several weeks now:

"There is no possible way you could possibly be feline. Or therian, for that matter. What the hell are you thinking?"

"But I feel feline. How can this not be real?"

"You're deluding yourself, give it a rest. Haven't you noticed that nagging part of you which just screams something other than feline?"

"I just don't know anymore. You're confusing me. Part of me feels feline. Distinctly and truly feline. Cautious, precise, solitary, predator-like, the ultimate huntress. Feline. The other part...I can't describe it. Different. Timid, overly eager, wary, uncontrollably shy, fearful. I can't put a finger on it. But whatever it is, it's not feline, and its making me tangled."

"Impossible. What are you thinking. What are you thinking? Are you sure this isn't just a dream, an illusion, this whole thing? Are you sure you don't just identify with felines?"

"No. No, I'm not. But, how can I deny this?"

Etc. It goes on.

Earwig was advising someone who didn't know what their theriotype was to make sure not to skip over even the most wild and weird ideas your brain throws at you. For me, that second part I described keeps bringing back this nagging idea: Hare.

Yes, Hare. The more I think about it, the more I evalute my personality the more the Hare seems to fit right in. I identify with it strongly. Perhaps even more strongly than the feline. But is it just a totem? Is feline just a totem? I don't know. I need to think. But my brain has continued to bring up Hare over and over again the past few weeks. And I've watched myself. And the more I do the more it clicks. At the same time, though, it hasn't replaced feline. Feline is still there, still strong, still clicks. Whether it is me or whether they are one of them or both totems is still a remarkably large question that has yet to be answered.

I have researched various rodents and related families of lagomorphs to see if maybe there is something which fits more accurately, but as I discovered with Bobcat, I keep coming back to hare. Not rabbit, mind you, hare.

I still feel like I discovered hare all too quickly. A few weeks is quicker than I would like. I need time to let the idea solidify a little, mull over everything, ruminate on it. Match things up or cast aside pieces which don't fit.

Bobcat and Hare. There's an interesting combination.

I think its my questioning the possibility of hare, whether theriotype or totem which led me to also re-question whether feline was accurate. And I'm still questioning. I just don't want to jump to assumptions and end up discovering that hare is less than a theriotype all along.

Lots of thinking to do, yet, but I had to get this off my chest. I was trying to wait, to think about it more before I wrote all of this down, but it's really been bugging me, so what the hell, there's what I've been thinking.

I have re-entered a state of confusion. I feel like my life has been like the charts of a guilty person hooked up to a lie detector lately...that is to say, all over the place. Up, down, steady, unsteady, rapidly changing every week my mind feels like its shed another layer of skin.

I just don't know anymore. Therianthropy? I still can't figure out where I stand on it in terms of origins and etc. Me being a therian? This issue is even more frustrating. Big questions have been coming up again lately. I've been seriously doubting whether I am therian again. Seriously unsure. Just...confusion. The theriotype issue is even more huge. I'm not even going to go into that right now. I'm trying to sort out whether what it is a feel is totemic in nature (is totemic even a word?) or if its...me in nature.

I'm just, I don't feel like the therian community has helped a whole lot. The more I read about others experiences I feel like the further into illusion I sink. And I don't want to lie to myself. I think it will be better if I try and sort out my therianthropy (or lack thereof) with as little help from those online as possible. I suppose there are certain things for which advice might be truly and greatly helpful, but right now I feel a need to step away before I get more enraptured in something that is just fantasy.

I had a good day. I got to sleep in a lot all last week (vacation) so a Monday waking up at 6 like usual was no problem. I love having...energy.

Weird things going on at school. Some kind of relationship formed within one week post "Grease" cast party between two people (both of whom I know and am friends with) that I would have never ever have thought of putting together.

Surprising....really, really, surprising. The more I think about it the more weird it becomes because I had never seen these two people together ever and then all of a sudden they are dating. And they don't have all that much in common.

Did I miss something?

I feel like I have to have at least had some kind of close platonic relationship with someone before getting romantically involved with them. But maybe I'm just weird.

I've realized that no matter how many species of cat I research there is one which continually comes back after none of the others have fit: and that's lynx. Though I have found, after comparing the two that it is actually Bobcat rather than Lynx which fits me, perhaps that why Lynx was feeling awkward. There are certain, slight differences between the two, but a lot of what wasn't fitting with Lynx is what does fit with Bobcat. I have to look into it more, but so far, so good.

*is happy* I love vacations.

The sky looks absolutely gorgeous right now. One of the most amazing things about early winter is the sky in the afternoon and especially in the morning. Our neighborhood looks over Mt. Mansfield and some days when I ride the bus and we come over the hill the colors are just astounding. And now, paired with the snow things look even more beautiful.

I got my wish in terms of the snow. We got about 4 inches last night and today was wonderful. I was outside most of the time. Taking pictures and walking the dogs.

After the past week I've come to another sort of rest on the fact that I don't think I am canine. That question had come up and continued bugging me for awhile, but I realize that it was indeed just a little dream of mine. As I've said earlier, I had always wanted my theriotype to be that of a canine rather than a feline, but after today and a rather prominent experience...(I don't really think it was shift, more me just being more cat-like than human for awhile) I don't really think I can try and push aside being feline or try and mold my experiences into canine ones anymore. Obviously I wasn't consciously doing it in the first place, I guess I had rather just hoped.

The whole specific species thing continues to elude me. I've researched various felines and the ones which seem to strike chords with me are the cougar, the domestic house cat, the snow leopard, the lynx and the bobcat.

The experience was basically that my sister and I were play-fighting over something or other and I started to take it a little out of hand, things gradually started to be seen more through a feline's perspective than a human's. My ears felt as though they were moving, radar-like, though I know that cannot be possible . She woud leave the room and try to sneak back in on me and every time something twitched or moved it was an instant response, to turn sharply, prepared to strike, pounce, bite. She eventually started to get a little freaked out because I seemed to be taking things much more seriously than she was and told me to go upstairs, which I did, but I turned around on the landing and started watching her again, and something I can only describe as a sort of prey drive triggered, not nearly enough for me to act on it but I found myself watching her intently, recording her every move and instinctfully plotting the best way to go about attacking. As I said earlier, it wasn't near enough for me to act on it, but it was there. I've had the same kind of thing happen with "prey animals" like mice or sheep. Watching them carefully, looking for weaknesses, watching for when their back is turned, when would be the most optimum moment, what would be the ideal method...

Have been taking some time away from the computer to think for awhile.

Its hard for me, for some reason to distinguish canine and feline feelings. Some people may say that there is a distinct difference, and I suppose there is, but when you've only read of the experiences of one...its easy to be like, yea, okay, I've felt similar things, but then if you can't read the experiences of canines how will you know if you don't feel a closer association with them?

There are just some feelings I've had that haven't been specific enough for me to be able to distinguish whether they are feline or canine. I'm really being super vague here.

As an example, seeing a mouse scurry across the garage floor, and feeling the need to chase after it, kill it. I suppose these could be considered feline things, but aren't they also canine things as well? What are the difference in how canine acts when seeing a mouse scurry across the floor? I know there _are_ differences, but I don't know what they are, and no one has behavioral information that detailed. It really would be amazingly helpful if more wolf therians were to write essays about what being a wolf therian..or any kind of canine therian feels like. Fortunately people like Akhila, Lauery and Taj have written about what feline feels like, but there is a very large abscence of essays regarding canines. Or if there are such essays, I haven't been able to find them.

The more I've the about it, the more muddled things have become. The more this idea of maybe being canine rather than feline has resurfaced and its getting me confused. Also the fact that I growl and woof during normal conversation rather than hiss or meow (though those are physical behaviors and not necessarily connected spiritually), don't help the confusion either. My head has constantly being going back and forth between canine and feline pondering to which family it is I belong. I feel like its happening to quickly, that the minute I start to feel comfortable in my conclusions old questions dig their way back to the front lines.

I think more introspection and observation might help. Essays done by wolves would be quite helpful as well, as would more resources regarding canines and felines in the wild. I still haven't bought that book Taj recommended, I'm broke, but maybe I could just look through it while meandering barnes & nobles. Even that might help.

I feel like therianthropy and my everday life are too closely connected for me to separate them out into different journals. I can't use the journal I've had since last year for everday things for therianthropy things, unfortunately. I have friends on my other journal who would be completely weirded out by therianthropic type ramblings. I've been looking at livejournal's friends groups option as a possible way of remedeing (sp?) this, apparently it gives to an option of limiting entries to only be viewable by a certain subgroup of friends and it also blocks certain groups of friends from being seen on the friends list by other groups. It feels very devious and I don't like the idea all that much, but I'm looking into it nevertheless, that way I could switch this journal to my everyday journal or vice versa and still allow friends to view it...just not all of them.

I found this article on how cats interact with each other socially. (domestic cats, that is, not wild cats) I found it really interesting, a lot of it I think I already knew just from having cats around the house, but its still a nice read.

Social Cats

I feel like my search for my theriotype..or more generally my search for whether or not I'm therian has been like trying to find your way through the jungle at night. Constant obstacles up, down, and from every angle. Constantly misstepping, constantly tripping over vines on the forest floor. Constantly. I feel blind and in the dark with nothing to grasp for evidence except what I feel. Such an abstract realm, how can one try and analyze such things?

Its a long, dark and confusing road, hopefully I'll learn the ways of the jungle sometime soon. I just feel a little...helpless, out of control, unable to draw any kind of solid conclusions from anything.

I feel like I'm constantly being faced with mixed messages between the part of me which is human and the part of me which is feline, a few thoughts I've had throughout the day:

Human likes to be around people (to a degree), she feels uncomfortable meeting new people but enjoys being around those she knows and can trust. Human is introverted but even so sometimes likes to talk amongst friends and go to social outings, etc.

Feline doesn't care much for being social. Feline will tolerate being social on occasion but is territorial of home and things personal to her. Feline would never think of inviting people to her home, feline sees being a loner as part of surviving, feline doesn't like to share her life with others but occasionally.

Human can be timid, human doesn't always say exactly what she means, human will try to keep peace with others, human doesn't like to say things that will disrupt this peace. Human gets upset when people are fighting around her.

Feline can be timid as well, but feline states opinions directly and simply. Feline becomes outraged at ignorance and stupidity, feline doesn't hesitate, feline is brief.

Human can be vain, human can be materialistic. Human can be fake.

Feline is practical and pragmatic, feline is far from superficial, feline is genuine.

At times, I act based on those feelings which are human and at times I act based on those feelings which are feline, its an interesting mix, because sometimes there is a lot of contrast between one and the other.

~*~

I think I'll be going to pick up that book Tajemnica mentioned tommorow. Our school has this schedule where on Wednesdays you only have your odd period classes and on Thursdays only your even period classes, and I have 5 & 7 as free periods, which means I only have to be in school from 7:40-10:35. Yay.

I've not been feeling (physically) up to very much this week. Lets just put it bluntly and say I tend to get anemic-like during that time of the month.

It reminds me of the last time I attempted to be a vegetarian almost a year ago when I became kind of anemic. Its a terrible feeling, though I doubt this is one I can help like with last year (i.e. eat meat again). I've been curling up in bed as soon as I get home and sleeping until the early evening, then waking up again only to feel weak and groggy and..bleck. It doesn't feel...right.

Nevertheless I've been re-reading over several sections of this book I bought earlier last Nov/Decemberish called "Animal" its this huge monster encyclopedia of animals divided into sections by mammals, birds reptiles and insects and then subdivided into their respective categories from there. Its a wicked nifty book and lists the kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species in this box to the side of each animal listed in the book. I remember I used it with a group of people in my Biology class as a reference for a project. They thought I was such a dork for having a monstruous Animal encyclopedia in my room just 'cause I was interested in animals, its been really useful, though, actually.

Anyway, I'm wandering off-topic, I've been re-reading certain sections (specifically "Cats", "Hyenas and Aardwolf", "Mustelids" and "Civets & Genets") just to kind of help mark off ones which are at all possibilities of my theriotype, etc. Seems to be pretty consistent: Nearly all of them were in the cat family, but after I'd written them all down, I fell asleep, so that was the end of my search for today. :P

The ones I ended up writing down were: Canadian Lynx, Puma/Couger, African Golden Cat, African Lion, Asian Palm Civet, Striped Hyena (though the striped hyena is really a stretch).

In a way, I guess what I tried to do today is completely contradictory to the advice posted yesterday by Aislynn, but really I'm more just trying to learn about these animals so I have a better understanding of what really makes sense as me rather than going through the book and being like, "Hmm, I wonder if thats my theriotype?" its been more just raw learning experience, and then occasionally writing down the names of species which remind me of myself.

Either way, I've been trying to keep an open-mind and not be all "nose to the grindstone" about any of it.

I'm going to turn myself into an insomniac with sleep-habits like this. I'll be up 'til who knows when, now. Aggh.

There was a post just recently over at werelist that really struck a chord with me. And its really a wise an excellent piece of advice.

Aislynn made a post about how humans feel such a need to interrogate everything, put labels on themselves and their existance and how such labels and struggles with trying to find out "What am I? What am I?" just end up holding you back from being who you are.

I feel like I'm really just paraphrasing and summarizing her post, but I didn't want to paste the whole thing in here. Here's a link: Clicky

Anyway, here's the last paragraph of her post: "I've allowed myself to make an attempt at not following this human ritual, and the walls in myself fell back, allowing me to be who I am, human and therian. I sugguest to those wishing to find answers about their "wild sides", simply stop looking: they'll find you instead."

Thats the part that really rendered me speechless. Made me think over all I've been struggling through lately. And it is true, animals feel complete just knowing they exist. I feel like more people, both "normal" humans and therians should follow the example of animals more often. The more you listen to them, the more you realize how much advice they have to give.

The fact that animals do merely exist without questioning the state of their existance reminds me a lot of what I've read of taoism, the uncarved block, just being. Accomplishing without putting forth effort, letting things follow their natural path, etc. This is all very comforting to me.

I'm feeling better now.